i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
