i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
