How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
