It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Randomize
