Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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