So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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