I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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