Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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