Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
