when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
