The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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