Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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