How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
