Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
