peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
