Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
