He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
