I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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