I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
last night I used snow as a chaser
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
