Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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