Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
