1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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