new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
