I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
