omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
