it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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