It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
