im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why did my mother make you get naked?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
