I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
