You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
