i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
