Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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