There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
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