I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
