the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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