no, he came in my armpit
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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