I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
