Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
