I wish I could punch you in the face.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
