I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
