if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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