whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
