The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
