I am midnight drunk by noon
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
