She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
