yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
