Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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