we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
