I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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