every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The beer is more important than you right now.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
